By Jen P
Do your eyes burn at the sight of a heart-shaped box? Does it deeply disturb you that every bouquet will wither and die? Does the consumerism associated with romance chill you to the core?
I feel you.
It’s not the love that bothers you. Love is great. Love is stolen kisses, a willingness to sacrifice, and a fight to be with your person… forever. Love is the admission that death may tear you apart, that your romance may end in heartbreak, but those moments together were worth it. Love is worth dying for.
Below, you’ll find my favorite disturbing romances ranked in descending order. I’ve covered the spectrum from unicorns to zombies. I even included some non-supernatural entries, but none are average “hearts and flowers” romances. Each of these viewing treats are better than chocolates. If you really want to up your game, pair an at-home screening with a bouquet of bacon and a bottle of red. Your lover is sure to stay by your side long after your hearts stop beating.
Happy viewing. Mwahahahahaha.
10. The Fly
What happens when you don’t clear the teleportation chamber before you hop in? Your body melds with whatever else is inside. In this case, you guessed it… a fly. Excuse me while I vomit.
Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis are gorgeous, 80’s-haired perfection as the couple torn apart by the transformation. Prepare yourself. Their lives morph from a sex-filled fantasy into a grotesque nightmare. *Spoilers* The lack of a happily ever after bumped this one down to the bottom.
Two lusty teens- one a murderer, and one an unwilling accomplice- rid their school of mean girls one by one. Christian Slater, back when he looked like Johnathan Taylor Thomas, and Winona Ryder, in the prime of her career, are too fun to watch as this homicidal Bonnie and Clyde. *Spoilers* The light tone to this dark comedy bumped it above The Fly, but still no happily ever after.
8. Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Sex, violence, and Keanu Reeves. Need I say more? Keanu and Winona are totes in love, but when Dracula realizes she may be the reincarnation of his true love, he don’t give a damn. What follows is a good old fashioned vampire story, filled to the brim with gore and nudity.
7. Corpse Bride
The only animated feature on my list, Corpse Bride is a Tim Burton, stop-motion masterpiece.
A young couple is forced into marriage, but to the disgust of her parents– who are only in this for the money– Victor and Victoria actually like each other. Unfortunately, while Victor is practicing his vows, he places the ring on what he thinks to be a twig, but happens to be the finger bone of a beautiful ghost. The Corpse Bride, believing her true love has finally come, takes Victor as her husband. Mayhem ensues. The couple must find a way to get Victor out of the marriage, but as he gets to know his new bride, he comes to care for her. Will Victor be free of his corpse bride? Does he still want to be? All this with a backdrop of mystery and a “murder most foul”.
Only true love could drive Jack to break the rules of the enchanted forest, but when he does, all hell breaks loose… literally. With unicorns, fairies, trolls, and the devil himself, Legend is a dark fantasy worth watching over and over again. Plus, the soundtrack is EPIC.
Read my full review of Legend.
When Will (Johnny Depp) realizes he’s dying, his wife pushes him to upload his consciousness onto the AI machine they’ve been developing together. But is it really him?
An intelligent thriller with a stellar cast? You can’t go wrong with this one. More techy than the other entries, Transcendence doesn’t seem romantic on the surface, but the deep-rooted love between the characters earned it a spot on my list.
4. Wicker Park
Two years ago, Lisa (Diane Kruger) left Matthew (Josh Hartnett) without any explanation. Since then, he’s tried to move on with his life, even met someone else. But when he thinks he sees her one day, his life turns upside down.
Mysterious, sexy, and a bit disturbing, Wicker Park keeps you guessing until the end.
Some will argue with me for putting Twilight on the list due to its sappy content and sparkly version of vampires, but it still manages to fit the category. Though Edward (Robert Pattinson) and his clan of vamps are “vegetarians” who don’t drink human blood, when he falls in love with a human girl (Kristen Stewart), the couple draws the attention of some deadly vamps without his moral code. Multiple sequels and 50 Shades of Grey ensue.
Expect angst, blood, and glitter. But mostly angst.
2. Fright Night (2011)
Much like the plot of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, a young guy (Anton Yelchin) is forced to fight off a sexy vampire (Colin Farrell) who wants his girl (Imogen Poots). Only with the help of a cheesy tv vampire hunter (David Tenant), can this be accomplished.
This film is a remake of an 80’s classic, which is also awesome, but for sexiness sake, I chose the more recent version. I mean, Colin Farrell and David Tenant? It’s not even a competition. Though, Anton Yelchin does hold his own…
1. Warm Bodies
When the world goes to s***, and there’s nothing left to live for, only love can ignite a revolution. Watch the only movie to date with sexy, romantic zombies. And I kid you not, Nicholas Hoult is one sexy zombie.
Still don’t believe me? Click here.
The Lost Boys
What do you get when you cross Peter Pan with vampires? Boys who never grow up and tend to eat the tourists. The Lost Boys is no romance, but if the sexy subplot doesn’t turn you on, your junk may be broken.
Find out why I love this movie so much in my full review.
What’s your favorite freaky romance? Let us know in the comments.