By: Jen P.
*WARNING: I’m going to curse… A LOT*
Can we rename this franchise “FU-TMNT?” Just to differentiate between the quality level from the 80’s to now. Even the modern cartoon is pretty good, but this… I had no idea this… this… GARBAGE had even been greenlit, but apparently, they’re going to wrap soon. Possibly as soon as Sunday. Why? Tell me why this SHIT got okayed for number two. Michael Bay has made every attempt humanly possible to ruin my childhood franchise by franchise over the past decade. I was on board with Transformers. I was okay with Transformers 2. Then they just kept getting worse, until finally they revealed my favorite of favorites… dinobots. You know what they did to dinobots? They shit on them. They took a giant, metaphorical dump on one of my greatest, geeky childhood loves. FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY. And then… oh then he had to go out and redo Ninja Turtles. If you saw the movie, I’m sorry. Also, you know what kind of utter crap it was. It didn’t even do well in theaters. It was like it was made solely to show off Meghan Fox as a new Michael Bay character even though we got plenty of her as Mikaela Banes in Transformers. WTF? How can she be April???? They didn’t even bother to dye her hair red. It’s just plain ol’ Meghan Fox. And don’t even get me started on those hideous CGI turtles. GROSS!
Okay…. So now that I got that off my chest. I pulled up some information on this…. “film” and now…. I just. I just. I just. I can’t. Because, I think they may actually not fuck it up this time. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud? I probably just cursed it. Here’s the deal: I LOVE STEPHEN AMELL. There. I said it. He’s beautiful. I’m shallow. And now I just MUST go see it. Goddamn those perfect abs. I think he might be the only thing that could have gotten me into that theater. In fact, this morning, my husband said to me, “What if Jensen Ackles is playing Casey Jones?” Because Jensen is numero uno on my long list of Hall Passes, followed directly by–you guessed it–Stephen Amell. I guess Jensen wasn’t available. Anyway, I’m going to have to put my hatred aside, because now I’ll be in that goddamn theater come hell or high water. Because I can’t miss one of my top 5 on his big screen debut.
Also, on a non-pervy note: Tyler Perry will be playing Baxter Stockman, Laura Linney is some kind of cop, and there’s a long list of other good actors who will make their appearances. We’re supposed to get Bebop and Rocksteady, and maybe the Krang. They recast the Shredder – can we please get a fix on the massive plot holes left by the first one??? And another change is the director. They hired David Green, who directed Earth to Echo to do this one. I liked that movie. I guess we’ll see about this one.
Now that they’ve roped me in for another $10+ spent on tickets, they better not fuck this up! I don’t want to lose respect for the only people who may make this film watchable. Until then, I’m geeking out over here… and I promise you, I really don’t want to be.